Friday, December 23, 2011

On the Eleventh Day of Querymas

my true Genn gave to me: bed-hopping ghosts, time-traveling dragons, spirit-walking time travel, serial killer dads, ticking countdowns, past-life memories, hot guys and cake, one confused rocker, a sick girl, two switched witches, and a role-play game that turns deadly.

Mallory doesn't want to scare Evan to death...but it might make things easier. 

Young and independent, Mallory Richards is finally content with what if she's technically dead and has no idea how ithappened? She spends her days and nights next to Evan Douglas, thehandsome man that she last touched before her death. the last man she touched. And the bestpart? She gets to see him naked. But as time passes, her feelings forEvan deepen, and Mallory's no longer satisfied with their one-sidedlove affair. She makes contact, and against all odds Evan begins tofall for the beautiful redhead who haunts his bed. This rhymes.  I'm not sure that's a good thing.  Also this is your inciting event and I think it's what you need to focus your query on.  How in the world does she make contact?  Right now it feels like too much of a throwaway, because you are concerned with getting on to her waking up from the coma.  I'd like to see you develop the contact and relationship a bit here.  Make us interested in how it happens. Make us want to fall in love with him too.

Loving Evan makes Mallory feel alive again, even though her memoriesare fading. Each day the veil between life and death becomes moretransparent, until she awakens one morning in a cold, sterile hospitalbed. To her horror, she learns Evan is a figment of her injured brain,conjured during a six-month-long coma. Being alive is now what keepsher away from the man she loves. When Mallory finally recovers and hasa chance encounter with the man from her dreams, she must solve themystery of their bizarre courtship or lose him forever.
 This is all fine, but I'd like to make it feel more vital.  You're raising the stakes here.  Wait, Evan isn't real!  Mallory isn't dead!  But what if!  what if!  I want to feel this.  I want to feel the mystery.  As it stands, it reads more like a bad trick.  You mean Evan isn't real and it's all a dream?  What is this Dallas?  I think you can cut this down to 1 or 2 sentences.  Something like:  "When the veil between life and death lifts, Mallory wakes up - alive, alone, and in love.  But Mallory isn't giving up on Evan, not when true love already conquered all. " That might actually suck.  Not sure.  It's just an example.

I've heard only positive things about your agency within the writingcommunity. Please make sure there is more personalization than this.  If not cut it, because it reads like a form letter.  I read on your website that you represent women's fictionand have an interest in ghost stories. I hope you'll consider THECOURTSHIP OF MALLORY RICHARDS, my 86,000 word manuscript. I earned aMaster of Arts in Professional Counseling, and my experience as atherapist has aided me in creating this character-driven novel. Thankyou for your time and consideration. 


I think you have an interesting concept and I wish you the best of luck! 

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