Tuesday, December 20, 2011

On the Eighth Day of Querymas

Apologies for my tardiness!  Busy morning!

my true Genn gave to me: serial killer dads, ticking countdowns, past-life memories, hot guys and cake, one confused rocker, a sick girl, two switched witches, and a role-play game that turns deadly.

There's a serial killer targeting the women of Black Beach, Florida and 16-year-old Megan Potter knows exactly who he is.  She actually lives with him.  Too bad nobody believes her.You say this again below, but it packs more punch there.  Lose this one.

She's spent many days following him or digging through his belongings, searching for irrefutable proof. 
She's gone to the police with her suspicions, but they've already got a suspect. Vary your sentence structure a bit, so we get less "she, she, she." Nobody believes her theory. After all, lots of kids hate their stepfathers.  
Until she goes missing. Along with the proof she's finally uncovered. Now all she has to do is survive long enough for them to find her. And finally believe her. I don't love this last line, and I will tell you why.  You're giving away the goose.  Part of the mystery needs to be whether or not it is her stepfather.  You imply here that she's right and now he has her.  Well, I'm not sure I'm as interested in reading the book knowing that.  I would cut it and find a punchier note to end on.
HER WORD WAS PEACE is a 50,000-word YA mystery.  
I'd like to see a little bio and personalization here. 

In the original query you sent me, you included this line: "While trying to prove her step-father's an adulterer Megan puts together the pieces to his even darker secret."  I love this.  I want to see it worked in.  It gives us more background, more motivation.  It heightens the stakes.  Right now the query is a bit too terse and light.  I love a fast, to-the-point query, but I think you could add in a few more details from the book - the novel's flavor - and really take it to the next level.

Best of luck!


  1. I like the sentence you mention too Genn. I like the fast pace too but agree with your suggestions Genn.

    Good luck. The story sounds awesome.

  2. Thank you! I got mixed reviews on how much to include for good pacing. I love your suggestions. Thanks!